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Tardizord Twosome Episodes

Episode 21 - Simulant!

Episode 1 - Serpentopia
Episode 2 - Tooth, Claw and Coil
Episode 3 - Rangers Unite
Episode 4 - Doctor Tru?
Episode 5 - Doomsday for the Dragons
Episode 6 - Revenge of the Alligatrons
Episode 7 - Evil No More?
Mini Episode 1 - The Devil within Turbo Truro
Episode 9: Christmas
Mini Episode 2: Kitzilla strikes again
Episode 11 - Rodents and Robots
Episode 12 - The Blazing Tramper
Episode 13 - Super Dan Vs the Daleks
Episode 14 - A Super problem!
Episode 15 - Living the Knightmare (Part One)
Episode 16 - Living the Knightmare (Part Two)
Episode 17 - Living the Knightmare (Part Three)
Episode 18 - Tellified? Of course not!
Episode 19 - All for one...!
Episode 20 - Bonebody
Episode 21 - Simulant!
Episode 22 - Battle for the Castle

As the Tardizord flew down the Time Tunnel, Dan noticed the junction and headed for a tunnel. "Eeny, meeny, miney mo...which direction shall we go?" muttered Truro. "This direction, I should think." replied Dan, pulling a lever. Immediately, the Tardizord zoomed down the chosen tunnel. "Whoa!" gasped Carlos. "Holy Moley!" added Cedric. "Gordon Bennett!" put in Carlnados. "Yee-hah!" said Dan, enjoying himself. "Aaaaaand, relax!" The Tardizord now moved at a leisurely pace. It exited the Time Tunnel and into, what looked like, outer space. "Outer Space, 3000010AD." read Dan. "That sounds oddly familiar." said Truro. He racked his brains trying to remember where he heard or saw it. "Reminds me of something. Can't quite put my finger on it, though." "Dan, Truro. Take a look at this." said Cedric, pointing to a sort of red hexagonal prism shape on the big monitor. It suddenly dawned on Dan and Truro where they knew about Space in the year 3 Million and Ten, or so. "Red Dwarf!" they said, snapping their fingers. "Eh?" asked Carlos. "The Jupiter Mining Ship, Red Dwarf," began Truro. "contained 150+ crew and personell (around 2000 and something). In this time and place, 3 million years ago, A technician called Dave Lister smuggled his cat aboard after returning from planet leave, and was put into stasis for 3 million years." "Why's that?" asked Carlnados. "Well, during this time, Second Techician Arnold Rimmer failed to seal a drive plate, which resulted in a horrendous radiation leak which wiped out the entire crew, apart from Lister." replied Truro. "How awful!" murmured Carlos. "Lister was released a few years ago in this time. So did Rimmer, albeit as a hologram." said Dan. Red Dwarf came closer and closer into view as the Tardizord slowly approached. On board Red Dwarf, Kryten, the service mechanoid, was busily cleaning the entire T-Deck. "There. That should do for now!" he said admirably, flapping his cloth. The holographic image of the ship's computer, Holly, appeared on a nearby screen. "Listen, Kryten. There seems to be an unknown vessel coming towards us." he said. "I'll proceed to the drive room right away, Holly." replied Kryten, with a sense of urgency. Lister was in his quarters enjoying a chicken vindaloo, as usual, when Kryten poked his head round the door and told him of the approaching vessel. Rimmer, who was studying the 'Space Corps Directive Manual', stood up, quickly. "To the drive room. Come on, Listy, lickety-split!" he said quickly. Lister chugged the last of his curry down, stuffed a poppadom in his mouth and made haste towards the drive room. Cat, who was in another room, poked his head out the door to see what the commotion was about, then went back to picking through sharp suits and decided to pass on going to the drive room. "Aw, to Hell with that. I have better things to do wit mah time!" he muttered to himself. In the drive room, the graphic of a spinning blue cuboid came into view on one of the screens. "Could it be aliens this time?" asked Rimmer. "Not again, you doink!" groaned Lister. "What?" "It's always aliens with you, ain't it, Rimmer?" said Lister, having heard that question for the umpteenth time. "Perhaps we should contact the ship." suggested Kryten, "So that we know there's someone aboard. We'll never know otherwise." "Good thinking." replied Lister. He moved towards a screen, pressed a few keys and spoke down a microphone. "Er, hullo. This is the mining ship Red Dwarf." he called. "Is there anybody out there?" The call came onto the Tardizord's central column. Dan cleared his throat as he walked to the panel with the Microphone. "Red Dwarf, this is Tardizord. Repeat, this is Tardizord." he responded. "State life-form inventory." said Kryten. "Five. 2 Human, 3 Nagas." replied Dan. "Dan the Countdowner reporting." "State your business." demanded Rimmer. "C'mon, lickety-split!" "We are time/space travellers. We come from Earth and Serpentopia in the year 2010 AD." explained Dan. "They're from Earth!" said Lister, excitedly. "Request permission to land, Red Dwarf." said Truro. "Permission granted, Tardizord. You're free to land!" responded Kryten. "Message received and understood, Red Dwarf. Landing now." replied Truro. "OK, guys. Hold on." said Dan, as he pulled down a lever. The Tardizord materialized in an empty space in the drive room. The five exited the Tardizord and Dan shrank and put it in his pocket. Lister moved away, sharpish, because he noticed the snake bodies of the nagas, "Smeggin' chicken!" huffed Rimmer. "Welcome, sirs!" said Kryten. "Thank you, Kryten." said Dan. "From right to left, these are Cedric, Carlnados, Carlos and Truro, and you know me already." The five looked at Rimmer and did the trademark salute, to which Rimmer responded. "Sir, they know your salute!" "Yes, I can see that, Kryters." replied Rimmer. "Yes, we've seen all your adventures before in the 20th and 21st Century, so we're bound to know a thing or two about Red Dwarf." explained Truro. "Extraordinary!" remarked Kryten. Lister reappeared in the drive room. "Sorry 'bout that. Just had to check a faulty service machine!" "Right..." said Truro, unconvinced. Lister breathed deeply, and shook the nagas by their hand, then joined Kryten and Rimmer. Then, Holly's phizzog appeared on the screen. "All right there, dudes. Just thought you'd like to know there's something within our range." he said. "Let's have a butcher's." said Truro. A screen flickered to show a planetoid of some sort. "Ay-up. It's another planet. Brilliant." observed Lister. "It would appear so, Mr Lister." replied Kryten. "Er, Holly. Kindly zoom in." The image zoomed in. "Oh, hello." said Dan, staring carefully. "There appears to be a ring of moons around it. Oddly enough, coloured like the standard snooker ball colours." Lister grinned from ear to ear. "I wonder if the planet's a pool planet." "Oh no, Listy. I know what you're thinking." groaned Rimmer. "Oh, what's the matter, Rimsy?" asked Truro. "I don't want to get caught up in his pool-playing antics. It's bad enough watching him in the recreation room out of sheer boredom." replied Rimmer, annoyed. "Holly, gimme his light bee!" demanded Lister. Rimmer vanished and his light bee floated in mid-air. "Don't you even dare!" squeaked Rimmer's voice. WHAM! Lister thrust the light bee down onto a table, and everyone else flinched simultaneously. Rimmer reappeared with his eyes crossed, his tongue hanging out, his 'H' lopsided and his hair sticking on end. "That's better." sighed Lister. "Sir, was that entirely necessary?" gasped Kryten. Suddenly, Rimmer came over all peculiar. His hair grew into a mullet hairstyle and turned lighter, and his uniform changed. "Truro, is that who I think he is?" asked Dan. "If you're on the same wavelength as me ,Dan, then yes." replied Truro. "Mr Ace, sir!" "Kryters, old chum." beamed Ace, "And Skipper, too." he added, He noticed the Tardizord crew. "Ah, company. By the looks of it, you come from the 21st Century, right?" "Correct." replied Truro. "And you debonair souls look like you travel through time and space?" "Correct again." replied Dan, reaching into his pocket and pulling out the minimized Tardizord. "So, this is your time/space machine?" "Precisely." replied Dan. "It's a little on the short side, if you ask me." said Ace, puzzled. "Suggest we go down to the landing bay. and I'll give you a demonstration." said Dan. Everyone agreed, and set off at once to the landing bay. Lister tailed the group. "C'mon." said Carlos. "Don't wanna leave you behind, Lister." "Don't worry, I'm coming." replied Lister. Pretty soon, they arrived in the landing bay, where the Starbug stood. Dan regrew the Tardizord to full size in a clear space. "Incredible, sir." said Kryten, admirably. "That's only the start of it." laughed Dan, entering the Tardizord. He strode up to the console and pressed a button on the computer panel. The lamp flashed. He pressed another and a rendition of Tongue-Tied played out. Cat suddenly appeared in a red suit and sung and danced the whole routine. "Aow!" he shrieked as he span round. Dan pressed a series of buttons and before everyone's eyes, a miniature of the Blue Midget materialized next to the Starbug. "Hey, neat trick!" laughed Cat. "but, I have a lil' magic of mah own."He reached into a trouser pocket and pulled out a set of castonets. He gave them a click and, hey presto, the miniature came to life. "Smoke me a kipper!" exclaimed Ace. Dan counted Cat in. "A-one, two, three, four!" Some more music started up from the Tardizord and Cat and the miniature broke into a dance routine. Five minutes later, the routine ended with the sound of applause. Dan exited the Tardizord and shrank it again. "Well, I don't know about you lot," said Lister. "but I'm goin' to that planet." "Er, to play pool, presumably sir?" asked Kryten. "Exactly." replied Lister, boarding Starbug 1. "I'll be with you shortly, Skipper." called Ace, following suit. "Smoke us a kipper, fellas. We'll be back for breakfast." "Drive safely, sirs." said Kryten. Ace closed the Starbug's door and the craft flew out of the landing bay doors. "What a guy!" said Kryten. "Yeah, what he said." added Cat. A few minutes later, the rest of the group went back to the drive room, where a couple of Skutters were playing ping-pong. "Well, that's something you don't see every day!" said Carlos. "It's quite common, Mr Carlos, sir. You never can tell with Skutters." replied Kryten. One of the Skutters made a brilliant serve and the ball whizzed through the air, spinning like a high speed merry-go-round. "Oh, good shot, Bob!" congratulated Kryten. Bob, the Skutter, nodded in reply, before the opposing Skutter, Madge, hit him on the head with another ball. "He never saw that one coming!" laughed Cat. Just then, the alarms blared. "Emergency! Emergency! There is an emergency going on." said Holly."What's wrong, Hol?" asked Truro. "Well, it would appear that a simulant ship is in sight and it's on the way here." replied Holly. "Simulants. Sounds nasty." said Carlos. "Bazookoids!" said Kryten suddenly, rushing out of the drive room. "Better go get mah spade! Aaaoww!" said Cat, dancing out of the room. "Holly, whereabouts is the ship aiming for?" asked Truro. "Landing Bay, I expect." replied Holly. "OK, ta very muchly." replied Truro. "Let's go, guys." "Kry-TEEEN!" called Dan. "Yes, sir?" called Kryten. "It's heading for the landing bay. Repeat, the landing bay!" replied Dan. "We'll be right with you, sirs." Cat presently reappeared with his spade. "It's clobberin' time!" he snarled. The group rendezvoused at the landing bay, hiding behind a nearby column. "Right, prepare yourselves, sirs." whispered Kryten. So, they did. "Right." they said. The ship landed, the door opened and a metalic foot, followed by the simulant stepped down from the ship. "I sense humans. Must eradicate them!" it hissed. Now, the simulants, as we know, are fearsome beasts, but when the group came out from their hiding place they roared with laughter, for the simulant was barely 3 feet tall. "FIRE!" it shouted. A volley of shots came from the simulant's gun. Cat jumped behind the simulant and whacked it with his spade. BONG!BONG! BAAAAAAAANNNNNNGGGG! Kryten and the others cringed at the sound of the hit and the force of the impact reverbriated throughout Cat's body and he wobbled out of sight with his face grinning like a Cheshire Cat gone crazy. The impact simply made the simulant fizz. Kryten let loose a volley of bazookoid blasts, which the simulant barely missed. "What a smee-heeeee!" grumbled Kryten. "OK, Carlos, Carlnados. Your turn." said Dan. "We're on it!" said Carlos. "Let's go." said Carlnados. The two teenage nagas closed their eyes, focused and used psychic energy to lift the simulant into the air, then slam it back to the ground. Cedric quickly confiscated the weaponary from the simulant and flushed it into space. Then, he let loose a blast of formed electricity from his hands, which overloaded the simulant. "MAL..func...TION! DOES...not...comPUTE!" it stuttered. This was the cue for Truro. "Shining Foil!" He slashed down and the simulant broke in half. Then, the piece de resistance. Dan let loose a huge jet of water from his screwdriver at the simulant, which short-circuited, crashed into its ship and flew clear out of the landing bay and into outer space. "Fly me to the moon..." sang Cat, absent-mindedly, and fell on his back again. Meanwhile, on the pool planet, which I can confirm it is, Ace and Lister had only been on there for 2 hours, but where he was playing, Lister had been at it for 10 hours winning game after game. By the time he won his 50th game, he was beside himself with pride. "Get in!" he grinned. "Yet again, a great game, Skipper." said Ace, admirably. As soon as Lister got his trophy , a $1000000 prize and a 5000000 credit prize, he felt it was time to return to Red Dwarf. "C'mon, Ace." As the Starbug made its journey back to the "crimson short-one", Lister noticed a huge hunk of metal shooting past. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say it's a mashed up simulant with its ship." observed Ace. "Hey, you're right." replied Lister. "Looks like Kryten and the others sorted it out good and proper." About 5 minutes later, the Starbug arrived back in the landing bay. As Ace and Lister disembarked, Cat sat up. "Hey, is it breakfast time already?" he uttered and then fell backwards again. "What's up with him?" asked Lister. "Let's just say it was the old 'Spade Manoeuveur' again." replied Dan: "Old spade manoe...oh, I remember!" chuckled Lister, thinking back to the incident at Justice World. Pretty soon, Truro decided it was time to leave. Dan got the Tardizord out and regrew it to its proper size and Truro and the nagas got in. "Have a safe journey, sirs!" said Kryten. "We will do, Kryters." replied Dan. "Keep a sharp eye out for future threats." "Don't worry. We'll watch out for those tin cans!" replied Lister. "Cheerio, then." With Dan's last reply, he shut the door behind him and the famous "tick-tick-tickatick-tick" rang out as the Tardizord dematerialised from Red Dwarf. "Right. How about we go to the AR suite?" suggested Lister. "Last one there's a wet lettuce!" He turned on his heels and dashed to the AR suite. "Hey, wait!" called Cat, who had finally recovered. "I need to find a suitable suit first!" Then, Cat ran off after Lister, to the amusement of Ace. "Say, he moves quickly when he wants to." he laughed. "My thoughts exactly, sir." replied Kryten.

DISCLAIMER : The episodes written are by me, but the characters used and introduced are copyrighted to their original owners